So the big mommy dilemma.... I know you experience it too. Is my kid actually sick or is she faking? Usually this is easy, even predictable. Not wanting to go to school because of a test, a fight with a friend, doesn't like gym, playground bully, it's Thursday and not Friday.... the list is lengthy, but with a little prodding the answer usually becomes obvious. My tight-lipped 7 yr old can be an entirely different matter. School avoidance has been the name of the game since her first day at day care at 14 months old. She has run away from daycare more than once. But she has a tough mommy and sick kids don't wait. So often, she gets a cursory exam and is deemed fine- by yours truly- and deposited at school. Unlike your average mom- doctor mom (DM) can check ears, throat, chest, and belly. The usually cause of fake complaints. Doctor mom can also ask pertinent questions of little fakers to catch them in a lie.
Faker: Mommy it hurts went I pee? DM: What color is it? Faker: I don't know, pee colored? DM: Does it glow? Faker: Yes! DM: You have to tell me if it turns purple? Faker: It is purple - but a very faint purple
Okay, gotcha! Urine doesn't glow and since I doubt my kid took her pee outside for a porphyrin test, it'snot purple.
Faker caught with purple glowing pee!
Now you never let on that you've caught them. But you absolutely should quietly revel in the satisfaction.
Now just this week Miss Faker complained of right sided abdominal pain and nausea. At 7, she's getting better at her faker form. I quickly ran the list of faker reasons to skip school - but none seemed applicable. I even reminded her this is Wednesday and she gets a day off with me on Friday. Still, she's sticking to her story. She picked a good one, because just about every doctor has a story about sending their kid to school with appendicitis. Ok, kiddo. Let's see how this goes. How would she know about appendicitis - she's 7. Maybe she's not faking. She is hobbling around with her hand over McBurney's point. But, she doesn't have fever or vomiting. But, she won't eat breakfast either. Crap! Instinct tells me she looks too healthy to actually be ill - but I just can't catch her in fake, faker symptoms.
So she gets to stay home. Because I know if she goes to the nurse with right sided belly pain - the nurse is gonna call me anyway. The nurse knows my rule with Faker - don't call me unless she's puking or has a temp >100.5.But everyone freaks about right sided belly pain. Did I mention, since I'm covering another docs office due to sudden illness, it's also my only day off to run errands- and we 're almost out of toilet paper? I mean THIS is an emergency! Oh yeah, and Daddy Dear, is out of town.
DM: Okay, can we go to the store for 2 minutes? Faker: No mommy, I'm too weak. DM: Good grief! DM: Speaking of toilet paper- when did you poop last? Faker: I don't remember- DM: huh? A day, week, month? (Since faker is 7 I'm no longer privy to her toilet routines.) Faker: Few days ago DM: Was it normal? Faker: It wasn't purple and it didn't glow DM: Shit, she's on to me
Well then, I guess we'll be having a quiet day on the couch doing school work. She puts up a quiet fight - but we muddle through
Then Faker asked to watch TV. She looks ok- so I leave her to the TV and I take refuge in my bed.
An hour later - DM: How are you feeling honey? Faker:I threw up (nonchalantly) DM: Huh? When? Where? Faker:In the toilet while you slept? I flushed it
So she threw up and no tears and didn't wake me and cleaned herself up? LIAR!!!!!
Faker: So do we go to the ER now?
In my head I'm thinking well yeah now I'll be spending the next 8-24 hours in the ER with you. Gotta find someone to take little baby faker for the night til Daddy Dear comes back from Texas. And just when I find someone to take a 3 yr old for a sleepover ......(God do I have good friends!!!!) I notice what Faker has been watching- Untold Stories of the ER on Discovery Health. No wonder her acting was so good - she got some professional coaching.
Oh, it's coming together. DM: Faker, are you curious about the ER? Do you want to see it in person? Faker:Um yeah - DM: Did you ever really have a bellyache? Faker:Yeah, but I farted around 9 and felt fine since.So can we still go to the ER? DM: Well, how did you know about appendicitis? Faker: Remember Madeleine? DM: Madeline who? Faker:The book, Madeleine (The Ludwig Bemelmans' classic)
Oh crap, that's how she learned - Madeleine had her appendix out and we must have talked about anatomy and right lower quadrant pain. She's even got a Madeleine doll with a scar there.
I had a feeling reading to my kid was overrated!
So for all you non- doctor mommies out there, don't feel bad. With all my fancy education, I still get bamboozled too. And we have to accept it. Any time your child will go to such lengths to stay with you rather than go to school - means (for whatever reason) they really, really need to be with you. So as frustrating as it may be, hug them tight, and remember the time will soon come when they want nothing to do with you. And tomorrow, they go back to school! Because Dr. Austin says so!
If you think going to a dentist is only about stopping a toothache or turning a crooked toothed grin into a dazzling Hollywood smile, think again. The condition of your teeth and gums can affect your entire body. Toxic teeth can be a source of illness and poor health. Holistic dentists are particularly interested in helping you ride your mouth of any toxins that may be taking a toll on your general health. That includes removing amalgam fillings, which contain toxic mercury, and replacing them with nontoxic gold or composite fillings.
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Dr. Melanie Austin is an actual medical doctor not just a graduate of WebMD. She is the mother of 2 girls, 1 dog, 3 cats and at times, it seems, her husband. The blog is not meant as medical advice but as the musing of a medical professional on pertinent social topics.